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What follows is the result of mass amounts of boredom, wackiness, and
spontaneity unchecked by logic or tact. Brian May
(Rash/Rat-boy/etc.) and I, to our own surprise, created the incomplete
masterpiece that we are sure we will be remembered for long into the
future. It is a work in progress, and rest assured we are adding to it
from time to time (really). Someday, perhaps, with some late night McDonalds burgers and
nothing better to do, we may finish it, but until then, you will have to
be happy with what follows....
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| If any of this offends you, FUCK OFF. |  |
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Cafe - Morning Nuck and Futz are sitting in a window seat across from each other. They drink their water and peruse their menus. A Giant Ant sits behind Nuck, drinking its coffee leisurely. Nuck and Futz take no notice. (Why would they?) Enter Waitress. She is a slightly attractive, yet overworked blonde, about 24 years old.
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| Waitress | Are you ready to order?
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| Futz | Yes, but I don't believe it's on the menu...
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| Nuck punches Futz.
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| Futz | (under breath) Asshole..
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| Nuck | Excuse him. I'll have a poached somethin-or-other.
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| Futz | I was gonna order that. Okay, um. An English muffin, some
French toast, and a side order of Canadian Bacon.
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| Nuck | Hey, isn't that the Continental Breakfast?
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| [RIMSHOT]
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| Nuck | And can I also get a side of hotcakes?
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| Waitress | Okie dokie.
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| Nuck | I want to be clear on this. I don't want pancakes. I want
hotcakes. That means hot. Capiche?
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| Waitress | Is that Spanish?
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| Nuck | Uh, yeah...
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| Waitress | Well, I don't speak Spanish...
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| Nuck | Well sorry. Anyway, got that order?
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| Waitress | Yeah, anything else?
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| Futz | Some ice, please.
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| Waitress | Just ice?
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| Futz | Did I stutter?
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| Waitress | Right away, sir.
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| Futz | Th-th-thanks..
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| Exit Waitress.
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| Nuck | Anyway, so I was bangin' this chick, right?
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| Futz | Uh-huh.. (sips water)
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| Nuck | And I'm gettin' pretty bored with that missionairy shit, so
flip her over and start fuckin' her in the ass....
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| Futz | Uh-huh.. (sips water)
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| Nuck | So she says, "Gee, that's awfully presumptious of you!" So
I say, "Gee, that's an awfully big word for an eight-year-old."
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| Futz punches Nuck.
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| Futz | I told you to lay off my sister, asshole.
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| Nuck | Oh yeah, huh?
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| An Old Lady with a walker stands up across the room.
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| Nuck | Look at that ancient thing over there? Shit, I'll bet
she's got all sorts of cool junk growin' under her arms.
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| Futz | That's really disgusting, Nuck.
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| Nuck | We need women.
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| Futz | Uh-huh.. (sips water)
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| Nuck | Garçon!
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| Old Lady approaches; Waitress enters.
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| Waitress | Is that more Spanish, sir?
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| Old Lady | Garçon means boy.
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| Nuck kicks walker out from under Old Lady, who
falls on her face, clutching her hip. Futz chuckles and sips his
water.
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| Waitress | I'm not cleaning that up.
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| Futz | Well, guess we'd better clean up for her, eh?
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| Nuck | Here? Now? I haven't even eaten..
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| Futz | Sorry bud..
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| Nuck jumps up on table as Futz scurries out into the lobby.
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| Nuck | (yelling) Everybody be cool this is a massacre!
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| Futz | Any of you fucking pricks move and... Well, shit, go ahead and move all
you like, you're still gonna die!
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| Opening credits!
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Cafe - Morning... Blood all over the walls, charred and otherwise altered corpses litter the floor, seats, and ceiling fans. Nuck 'n' Futz are eating.
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| Nuck | Dammit, I knew that bitch would screw things up.
These cakes ain't hot.
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| Futz | You could complain, but you killed everybody. (sip)
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| Nuck | Well, at least I don't feel obligated to tip her.
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Nuck | FOLKS, I think I should take a moment here to inform you that my
comrade Futz and I are, oddly enough, your protagonists, so if you don't like
us, you'd better A) get a completely new attitude, B) swallow your tongue and
end it all now, C) leave the theatre. If you rented this movie, you're
pathetic and need a life. I mean, we're cartoons, that's our excuse.
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| Futz | What are you doing? Leave those poor innocent little fools out there
alone. We have a country to terrorize. Or visit. Or whatever. (sip)
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| Nuck | Okay, let's go.
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| Futz | Okay. (sip)
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| Both get up and put BIG guns in pants. Ant waves.
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| Nuck | I didn't shoot da ant?
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| Futz | No.
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| Nuck | Think I should?
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| Futz | Nah, who'd believe a giant ant?
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| Nuck and Futz step out into a bright sunny
morning, and walk over to a beat up old car, probably something
resembling a VW bug.
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| Futz | Hey Nuck, you should get yourself a new car.
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| Nuck | Why?
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| Futz | So we don't have to keep stealing other people's cars.
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| Nuck | That's a rather novel idea pal.
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| Futz | Yeah, too bad it'll never happen.
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| They chuckle as Nuck breaks the window; then they proceed to
get in and drive off.
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Interior of car. Nuck is driving, Futz looking out the passenger-side window. Futz starts rummaging through the glove compartment.
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| Nuck | Anything interesting in there?
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| Futz | Just the regular. (throws items out the window
as he lists them) Chewing gum, insurance papers, registration, map,
chicken soup, envelope marked "Top-Secret: Plans for a Huge,
Mega-Unrealistic Thermonuclear Somethin-or-Other"...
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| The car comes to a screeching halt. Nuck punches
Futz.
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| Futz | Ouch! What was that for?
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| Nuck | I can't believe you threw that out the window.
(Nuck gets out of car and runs for the envelope lying in the
street. He picks it up, dusts it off, and gets back in the car.) Their crazy chaos-mobile speeds off.
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| Futz | (looking at envelope) Sorry, Nuck. 'Didn't think you wanted this. Is it
important?
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| Nuck | Of course, fool.
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| Futz | Why?
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| Nuck | Now we have a plot development. That's crucial for a
good movie, you putz!
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| Futz | Oh I see. But what about Plan 9 From Outer Space?
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| Nuck | I said a good movie...
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| Fade to black.
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| Fade back in: We are outside a terrorized diner. A Giant Ant walks out. |
| Ant | What the... where the hell is my car? (He pulls out
a cellular phone and dials..) ...Yeah boss, we have a problem...
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| Fade to black.
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Warehouse - Night Nuck and Futz in a spotlight. Two chairs, back to back, between which sits a huge, mega-unrealistic thermonuclear somethin-or-other. Both are unconcious.
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| Nuck | Futz? You there?
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| Futz | Uh-huh (sip)
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| Nuck | You got some water?
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| Futz | No.
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| Nuck | Where are we?
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| Futz | Oh I dunno, but if I had to guess, I'd say some
warehouse in the lower east side of some big city where evil terrorizes
and good never wins.
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| Nuck | Well, as long as we're being optimistic, there would appear to be a
huge, mega-unrealistic thermonuclear somethin-or-other behind me. Or us.
Whatever.
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Nuck | Well, what would you recommend?
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| Futz | Prayer.
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| Nuck | I don't believe in God.
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| Futz | Well, better start.
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| Nuck | I really don't want to die. How can we have a sequel
if we're dead?
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| Futz | You really think we'd get a sequel?
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| Nuck | Sure, Wayne's World got one. So did The Neverending
Story. It could happen.
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| Futz | Not if we're dead.
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| Nuck | Sure, the Heavenly Adventures of Nuck and Futz.
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Nuck | Is that ticking?
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Nuck | Gee, whatever could it be?
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| Futz | A clock, no doubt..
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| Cut to clock, ticking away: 0:01:52.02
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| Nuck | How convenient. Who did this to us?
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| Futz | Probably that eight-year-old you tortured. Ass hole.
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| Nuck | Your sister?
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| Futz pulls arm out of rope and punches Nuck.
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| Nuck | That too was convenient, albeit strangely unrealistic.
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| Futz | We're cartoons, stupid. (punches him again)
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| Nuck | This is getting stupid. Rescue!
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| Futz | Help! Help and stuff!
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| Nuck | Save our Ship!
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| Futz | Uh-huh! (sip)
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| Enter Max.
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| Nuck | Oh my.
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| Futz | What is it?
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| Nuck | It's Max. He's back.
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| Futz | Didn't we tie him up in Singapore three years ago?
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| Max | I ate my way out.
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| Nuck | How convenient....
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| Max | Wasn't it, though?
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Nuck | (to camera) This'll all work out in the end.
Don't fret.
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| Futz | What if they WANTED us to die?
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| Max | Nice rope, guys. What's that big red thing?
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| Futz | It's a big explosive thing, Max. It's going
to kill us in.....
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| CUT TO CLOCK: 1:02.50
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| Futz | ... About a minute.
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| Max | How convenient.
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| Nuck | I disagree entirely.
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| Max | Well, okay.
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| Max grabs the bomb, eats it. Unfortunately, Nuck and
Futz are tied to it.
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| Nuck | (muffled) Max, please don't eat me.
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Max spits them out.
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| Nuck | Thanks, man.
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| Big explosion. Max splatters everywhere.
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| Futz | Ouch.
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| Nuck | Gee, that was messy.
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Nuck | Well, I guess we're saved... FOR NOW.
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| End credits!
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| Nuck | What a lame ending...
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| Futz | Uh-huh. (sip)
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| Nuck | Oh well.
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| Rest of credits.
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Last modified:
October 17, 1996
 This document has been accessed times since September 21, 1997 |